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If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

Me: “Do you think I can get over him?”
Q: “Yes but you will take a long time to recover”
Me: “Fuck sia, how you know?”
Q: “Because you love him a lot”
Me: “Haiz, Im screwed”

Trust me, I will forget everything we’ve shared this 10 months.

I will get over it, for you do not deserve me and all the love and effort I’ve put in to make things work.

“You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering,
 that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe 
you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself
 the same way. Those are risks. That’s the burden. Like wings, 
they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly.”

We’ve been through a lot. Beautiful memories, sad ones, happy ones, crazy ones, angry ones, mad ones, exciting ones, anything everything. I’ve always been so in love with you, each and every single thing about you amuse me. I will never forget all the things we’ve done together, it’d be kept safely somewhere in my heart. The rose you made out of candles for me in 2008, I will never forget. The times where you wipe my tears away, I will never forget. The times where you cook breakfast for me, I will never forget. My birthday this year with you, I will never forget. Our first picnic together, I will never forget. The tears and the expression on your face when I surprised you on your Bday at 12midnight, I will never forget. There are so many things, so much memories. Its not easy to put down. I’ve tried my best, gave in so much, put down my dignity and all just to save our love. I feel that you’re not even doing half of what Im doing. I am not comparing credits here but when both parties are in love, I thought both should be giving in and making the same amount of effort together? I cant be the only one doing it all. I didnt have to say but my friends could tell how much I loved you. You told me to give you one more chance, to give us one more chance. I gave you more chances that you have asked for, yet you did not do anything to make us better. Seeing the both of us drifting further and further away hurts me so much. Each day, it got worse.

Ryan, I’ve tried. I tolerated it all. Every night I cant sleep, I think of us it makes me so sad. Even if I try to get it off my mind, your name and your image will still appear! There is nothing I can do.. “wo zhen de lei le”. It is very selfish of you to let me be the solo one making it all better. “Im trying to think of ideas” isnt a excuse/reason to not do anything and let us be. I dont want mine or your Xmas to “du guo” in such a foul mood. Maybe you wont be in a bad mood but definitely I will be crazily stressed and upset. If you really love me like you’ve always said, then why would you wanna see me in such misery? Or has your love faded more than you have told me? Even though you know and I have always told you that my feelings and thoughts are all written down on my blog, you Never reads. Even though it doesnt take much effort, you still wouldnt. You can go facebooking, searching for games, seraching for OS etc etc but not my blog. Its enough. I really had enough. Maybe you yourself is not realising that you’re taking it back on me. I dont know how or if we can still face each other when we meet, or if we can still be normal friends after this but I know that this is what I want because I really suffered enough. I dont want to hurt myself for you again. No one has ever allow me to hurt myself for him, but you did. You wont know how painful I feel inside my heart. I dont even think you will read this entry but whatever it is, it doesnt matter anymore isnt it. But like I’ve told you, dont have regrets. I am not having any regrets now, beacuse I have given my best. But for you? I dont know.

Gdbye

I was looking at the picture we took at the ID photobooth @ Clark Quay last time, we used to be SO happy. What happened to all that?

I really dont know how much more I can take, how much longer I can hold. I really love you a lot but theres just some part of me that says “give up”.

I thought everything would get better after I party for 2 nights straight, I thought by giving us some time to hang out on our own or with our friends we will get all things sorted out but well, things just wouldnt be okay on its own and there, we’re back..to where we’re stuck.

I really wonder what is wrong with me.. I just cannot seem to fall asleep at night! I still think about you, about our problems.. even though I know so well we need all the time in the world to make things work out straight.

I feel so helpless and hopeless. & I never stop feeling all these.

I wanted to get all drunk, I didnt wanna stay sober but no matter how much I drink I am still WIDE AWAKE fuck myself! & then all the aftermath kills me moreeeeee.. ;///////////// FML. Just seriously fuck my fucking life.

………………………

Xmas is next week, can you believe it?

Last year’s Xmas was crap, I guess this year’s gonna be crappy as well. Why am I stuck with all these shits?!

& then @ the end of the day,

the question is: are we better off without each other?

Hello!

Im like sick now.. with very very bad rashes and cough! Tskkkk.

I guess it all boils down to:

1) sleeping for 3-4hours EVERYDAY for like 2 weeks?(HELLO you think I dont wanna sleep ah, fyi everynight I pray hard to fall asleep fast okay but there are too many thoughts running inside my head and it kills me)

2) I’ve been eating bad food like CHICKEN WING RICE ._.

3) Fri night went drinking and I breathe in 2nd hand smoke for probably 6 or 7hrs straight! You wont know how I feel man, its gross but I guess I really needed the alcohol! Liqi’s friend was so drunk on martell but he managed to stayed through the night. I heard “WO ZUI ZHEN GUI” for like 10times that night! & Louis came over around 4am?? Hes going in army alreadyyy haha. Bus to Adel’s place wash up etc and slept at 8am till noon.

4) Adel and I was suppose to cook Maggie for lunch on Sat but we were too lazy so ordered KFC. She had shrooms burger meal I had Banditto Pocket. We got ready and stuff and her dad send us to Tanah Merah to train to City Hall. We shopped around while waiting for the rest and I decided to stock up on my mascara and buy a new eyeliner. Excuse I am not wasting $$ now okay, my eyeliner is crap you need to see it or even use it to know how bad it is! Totally wasted my money on that! The new one was okay, I actually realy tried the tester one before I buy because I dont wanna waste my $$ on another useless eyeliner! Didnt get mascara in the end but got this All-in-one makeup remover from Loreal. Its okay la, still not able to remove stubborn mascara though! Zzzz. Afer all arrived we went over to Supperclub, the crowd was not so good because we were early.. But it was really crowded later on. Some funny and crazy stuff happened. We took a few rounds of free flow and it was pretty Yumz. Sadly I forgot I was allergic to Vodka all the way till I started puking.. Was gross man. While trying to get all the vomit out grrrrrrr..

Suppose to go for Jeff’s bday celebration but with my condition now, so many food cannot eat and kept coughing and all, dont wanna spoil the night.

All in all, I guess I did loosen up quite a lot and at least I didnt have to be so troubled but still, my mind is in a mess la. It just wouldnt stop! Aiyahhhhh. What to do, this is still me. Oh & last night I slept at 7pm all the way till 9am today! Can you imagine how sick I really was?! Like my first time sleeping for so longggg man. Anw, gonna slackkkkk and then go for the talk with Aida & Ifah tomorrow evening! I hope it’d not be very dry and hope all 3 of us will enjoy! Cheersssss!

OHHHH & GUESS WHOS BACK FROM BKKKKKKKK!!! BIG BIRD

Hello!

Since Im like free now, I shall do this (:

I cant get enough or over the Cotton On lace sandals since the day I saw it and tried it on! So I guess I really like ittttttttttttt and wanna get it but its $40 and Cotton on is ALWAYS on sales so I’d be so heart broken if it becomes like $15?! tsktsk. See how ah..

Then the MAC Xmas edition make up pouch WAH like cute only luh. Saw it with Elise @ Robinsons @ Raffles City the first time and already like it! Then saw it on Sat night with Adel & still want it! Its like $70? With lip gloss and some other stuff. The light pink gloss one is really cute :D Also its good for me cos’ its compact!

& there’s this Benefit moisturer for the face and hair that is so attractive because its in a Metal Pencil case, the graphic very nice ah. I think it cost $64 or something.. it smells good as well so I wonder if I should get it.. finish using can use as pencil case some more ;XXX

I NEED A CAMERAAAAAAA, like badlyyyyyyyyyy because mine is so screwed. The battery life is like CRAP and the pictures aint as nice as last time. The colours just turns out so-so now where it used to be like WOW. :((((( So sad. I need to save up for a cameraaaaaaa.

I feel so poor! Need to work ah :( Im not gonna ask for any Xmas present from my dad because he has always given me like HPs, Camera, Computer, and whatever I want for all these years BUTTTTTTT now he not working already eh so aiya, everyday already give me $$ to use where got face to ask for present. Nvm ah, I old enough already, should earn my own $$ and buy what I want.

Well, we chat on the phone again, I told him about my feelings & again, he cant understand & dont wish to understand! I guess no one can really feel how I feel when each time I share with him my thoughts and feelings and he just dont seem to care or try to even think in my position. I feel like such a worthless thing, like Im nothing to him! So tell me, why am I still holding on? Omg Im such a fucktard. I dont know what the hell I want, I cant figure out what the hell I want, I cannot decide if I want to hang on there give my best shot again or just let it go. Seriously, to you how much am I worth in your heart? I guess not much beacuse you dont even want to stand in my shoes and really try to understand how I feel and think. I mean is it really so difficult to try understanding your gf? I feel so helpless. Each and every fucking night I cant sleep. & I dont even like this! I want my sleep badly. I want to just forget about everything. Do you know how much hurt you have brought upon me? Do you remember the day when I hurt myself what did I say? I just felt like forgetting everything, brain wash myself and never even get to know you! I used to trust you so much and have so much faith but now obviously it is no longer the same with you treating me this way and most speciually when your love for me has fade. I am so damn broken. I am so damn fucking broken. It saddens me so much that you dont try understanding me, that you dont put effort into making us better, that you wont even remember when I tell you that my leg got hurt etc. Hello, Im your gf. Not your secretary. Since you’re so great now maybe you dont need me anymore, go on leave me aside, carry on with your awesome to be life. If you really dont want to make an effort for us, please just let me go! Dont hold on to someone you dont really want! & YOU WONT KNOW HOW HARD IM TRYING TO LOVE YOU LESSER. I so want to achieve it. & when I finally does, that is when I free myself. Sighhhhhhhhhhh.

Ice cream, I am feeling so hurt I really cannot take ittttttttttt. What difference does it make even if I go crazy and enjoy when you or other people are around me But at the end of the day, when I am back home alone, I still cannot fucking get to sleep and stop thinking of all these problems! Love is so difficult.

Hello!

I just changed my theme for tumblr! New look! (:

No school for me today, went over to Ryan’s place in the morning. Brought my laptop over so we just slack around an d surf the net. Well I let him listen to the lyrics in my previous entry because it kinda express my feelings but too bad, he didnt like the song I guess. Well, I also think the singer’s voice a bit “gao wei”(uneasy) but the lyrics meaningful luh. Aye pretty sad he didnt seem to pay much attention as well. Anw I had CHICKEN WING RICE for lunch, it was a late lucnh like at 3pm+? I’ve been having CHICKEN WING RICE for 3 days straight I think. Madness. He train with me till Dhoby Ghuat and left to meet his friend. Well, hope he is able to succeed in getting his friend to join him in his religion.

Yesterday’s meetup with the 2 boys was good. Well, they are my best guy friends and it was really comfy to have them there to talk cock with me. Updated each other with life a bit etc. Left his place nearing midnight & meet dad aftet that. Last night I slept late again like 3am or something? At least it was better la, did improve a little.

Anw, tomorrow is MY LAST DAY OF SCHOOL shiok-ke-li-cious!!!!!!!!!! ^^

Oh & made plans to meet up with my besties on Fri & Sat night! Wah, like happy only. Well, Im finally meeting my girls! Tian & Adel, I miss them and there are so much to update! I hope we’ll all have a blasttt (: Staying over @ Adel’s place & I think we’ll chat through the night man ;x Will be back home on Sunday morning or maybe noon so I can rest more!! So wont be seeing the bf all the way from tmr till Monday. I hope it gives me time to think through things better also? My life is too messy, needs to be sorted out.

If all else goes according to plan, will be meeting bf and the rest for Jeff’s bday celebration with the SOKA members as well. Well its gonna be my first time meeting them and I really dont know what to expect. Aye, anw the main attraction will be Jeff that night since hes the bday boy so yea!

Will be attending this financial talk with Aida & Potty & Tian on TUE night! Hooray! I hope it’d not be very dry! & hope the girls will just have fun with me! (: It’d start around 630pm and end at 9pm! Its @ Newton so maybe we can grab some food or drinks at newton circus before heading home! Geez ;D

ANWz, I just really want to keep myself as occupied as possible so I wont think about stuff that make me unhappy. I dont want to be crying to sleep at night or having sleepless nights!!! The reason why I bought MASK to do is because of the late nights that I’ve had! So yea, last night I pampered my face and eyes with mask sheets and it feels damn shiok! Well, it still all boils down to sleeping early still! So yea, I need to be happy happy HAPPY. Omg. Anita, you can do it! What happened to the STRONG GIRL? What happened to the CHEERFUL & HYPER side?! Come back come back quick quick quick!!!!!!

‘Anita Boh Dan Ping’
anagrams to
‘Top banana hiding.’

HAHAHA. Omg like seriously?

Im really stuck with BANANA yea? Why is it such a coincidence?! LOL.

You people should try!!!!!

http://www.anagramgenius.com/server.html

HAVE FUN :P

*PS when Elise see this confirm “wth walao” me HAHAHA. but bo bian KIM JIO leh. :PPPPPPPPPP KIM JIO! Even my laptop curser is KIM JIO lor. Since I got the laptop I change it to KIM JIO de lor ;X AHAHAHA. AH LIAN LOR. LOR.

*PSS when PEIQI see this confirm give me the “-.-” look then I will give back the “=.=” look! HAHAHA then both of us will say “FUCK SIA” tgt :OO Oh elise, dont be sad, Qi and I concluded that you are “._.” THIS HAHAHA. ok la, actually is I came out with it de ;X BLAME ME LOR. LORRRR. lorz.

沉默不是代表我的错
分手不是唯一的结果
我只是还没有想好该怎么对你说
沉默不是代表我的错
伤心不是唯一的结果
只想再听你说一次你依然爱着我